I have been reflecting on old pictures lately of me at over two hundred and twenty pounds. I have come so far in my weight loss journey that some days, it’s hard to believe that use to be me. I am the girl in those photos. Overweight, unhealthy physically, unhealthy mentally, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I will always keep that girl in my heart. I am grateful to not be in that position anymore, but I do not want to forget where I used to be. It is because of where I was that I am where I am now. Life truly is a roller coaster.

 

 

 I hear people, from both genders, everyday use the word “fat.” People say the word fat, fat-ass, fat bitch, like it’s saying hello.  I am sure it is because of what I have been through personally, but it hurts. What hurts is that people only look at these individual’s weights. They do not try to be aware or understand that the weight gets to that point because of what that person deals with mentally. A person’s life experience can torment them and put them into a state beyond capability. Everyone has their way of coping. For some people they cope through marijuana, alcohol, narcotics, and for some people, like myself, turn to food. Yes, most people are aware that there are healthier options to handle stress, anxiety, depression, whatever it may be, but sometimes it is easier to numb the pain rather than deal with it.

It takes a lot to work through what you have experienced, especially the parts that feel unbearable to think about. For me, when I started speaking with a counselor I had not realized how much of my life affected me, and how it had affected me. I knew I had a problem with eating, my anger, and depression. I didn’t realize that I had issues with anxiety until a few months ago. I grew up not having any type of mental health awareness brought to my attention. It wasn’t discussed through family, school, or friends. I knew I was angry, depressed, hard on myself, and that I hated who I was. I didn’t understand why. Trust me, I asked myself and tried to figure out/understand why. It is a scary place to be in wanting to give up. Looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but your weight protruding out of the top of your pants. I got to the point where I didn’t even want to look in the mirror.

Obesity is real, it’s raw, and it’s serious. There is more to it than the abundance of weight. This is something I wish more people could or would educate themselves on. As a society, we need to understand or be more respectful to individual’s. You don’t know what a person has gone through or is going through. Although I did not get to my highest weight until I was around twenty or twenty-one years old, I see how the disease of obesity did play in as the weight gain developed and progressed.  It can change. There is help. There are resources, but it takes motivation and support. For some, like myself, it can take a slap of reality to wake you up, but Obesity isn’t permanent. You can learn to push through, fight, and become a healthier person.

 It takes a lot to begin the process, but no one wants to be in an unhealthy state, mentally or physically. I never wanted to be over two hundred and twenty pounds. I would eat when I was bored, I would eat for emotional purposes, and after I would eat I would be frustrated with myself because I just used food for comfort. I knew food and lack of activity was causing me to get where I was, but when you are eating, nothing matters. It is that blissful few minutes where you don’t feel the pain, anger, or anxiety. Food itself doesn’t judge you. Food is food. It is how we perceive and take on food that comes into play. It is how we associate ourselves with it. Obesity and food addictions are considered taboo from what I have noticed. I find this interesting as obesity has grown into a significant problem in the US.

 I am a person that struggles everyday with my addiction to food. I know that my addiction to food never reached to the extremity that others get to, but it is a problem for me. I heard my doctor tell me that my obesity was awful and that it needed to be corrected right away. That to me was my wake-up call. It was hard to hear, but after a few days thinking it over I knew and was ready for change. It has taken three years, intense counseling, and a lot of self-control, but I am currently down 70lbs. I have learned who I am, why I am the way I am, and how to process through myself. I had to learn how I had been affected/damaged to be able to work through it and conquer it. I am loving who I am becoming, how I look and how I feel. I use my exercising and writing as my ways of coping. I make sure I process through tough moments as they arise. I do not bury them down. I put myself and take care of myself first. I refuse to go back to my highest weight. I have come too far to give up. Change is possible, you just have to be open, willing, and to want it.

-B